


From the Heart

by Oliver__Niko



Series: FE Trans Week [3]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Male-Female Friendship, Singing, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25380916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oliver__Niko/pseuds/Oliver__Niko
Summary: Mercedes and Felix attend choir practice together. After some persuasion, Felix opens up about why doing so has made him feel so uncomfortable.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Mercedes von Martritz
Series: FE Trans Week [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833268
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37
Collections: Fire Emblem Trans Week 2020!





	From the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since I took Felix to choir practice for the first time, I imagine his dialogue to imply that he's good at singing in general, but not when he is with others--he's much better at simply singing quietly to himself when tending to swords and the like. Linking in voice dysphoria seemed like the perfect opportunity.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Felix is not without his insecurities. Perhaps he understands there is not a single person in the world without them. It’s difficult, however, to turn this around and apply it to himself, accept he has his own weaknesses.

Truth be told, if there were not others around for this, he would be fine with it. But that’s not quite the case.

“Oh, how lovely that I get to be here with you for your first choir practice,” says Mercedes, smiling. “Let’s enjoy ourselves.”

“Yeah. Right.” Goddess, kill him now.

As always, Byleth’s intentions are clear; choir practice is a good way for Felix to improve his Faith, whilst actually getting him to interact with other people. Unfortunately, Felix has a difficult time with said interaction if there are no swords involved.

Some of it is simply not being a sociable person. The rest is dysphoria. There’s always this floating worry in his mind that those around him are constantly observing him out of the corner of their eye, seeking a ‘tell _.’_ It’s been eight months already since Felix began to take hormone potions—he would have preferred much sooner, but apparently, grieving his dead brother made his health a concern—and his voice has been deepening nicely. He’s felt comfortable growing his hair, certain his face is changing enough to allow him to be perceived as male regardless.

Still. He doubts this nagging thought in his mind will ever truly leave. And if he’s here, singing rather than doing something _manly_ like wielding a sword, his dysphoria runs rampant.

“Are you both almost ready?” Mercedes and Felix turn at the sound of Byleth’s voice.

“Indeed,” says Mercedes. “I hope this song reaches the Goddess’ ears.”

“And you, Felix?”

Perhaps he should be a little honest. “I’m not sure if I should be singing with everyone. I’m not that great at harmonising.”

That’s true as well. He’s okay at singing in general. Singing with others, however … “I can bring someone else out here, if you need me to. There’s no pressure.”

Absolutely not. That is admitting defeat. “No, I’ll do it,” says Felix. “I’ve almost learned my second Faith spell. Extra practice will be handy.”

Byleth nods. “Then, if you’re both ready, let us join with the others.”

In reality, the group attending choir practice is far from large. Perhaps maybe a dozen away from Mercedes and Felix. It’s still a dozen too many.

Their hands come together by their chests. Inside Felix’s, he feels his heart begin to pound. How stupid. Anxiety grasps at it as well, clutching at his throat, and when it comes to singing the first note … It comes out so strangely quiet, _shaky,_ that he wishes the ground would swallow him whole right there and then.

It doesn’t get much better, either. He manages to get into some kind of smoothness. But his nerves and sheer awkwardness around others makes it difficult to harmonize with anyone, _much_ harder than it is to simply sing alone, and he’s scared of doing so too loudly.

Has his voice dropped enough for him to hit higher notes without sounding too feminine? Is he even good enough to justify singing in a _choir?_ He’s nothing like Mercedes, with her eyes closed, a small smile on her face. Truly singing out to the Goddess.

The practice is far from long, yet feels as though it drags on forever. Felix has to resist the urge to run away the moment it ends.

“Great job, you two,” says Byleth, as though they could have actually heard Felix with how much he was mumbling. “I may bring another pair next week, but I certainly would like to bring the two of you along again.”

“I’m sure both of us will be more than happy to! Right, Felix?”

“Yes. Singing is most definitely my thing.” The sarcasm accidentally comes out stronger than planned; Felix is a little guilty by Mercedes’ slight head tilt. Regardless, her voice is still gentle when she speaks again.

“Felix, would we be able to take a walk together?”

“Oh, uh, sure,” he answers, slightly taken aback, but more than willing to accept the offer nonetheless. He follows her out of the cathedral, quite eager to leave it.

* * *

The two appear to wander aimlessly for a moment. Simple, light chatter—usually the kind of small talk Felix avoids, although there’s little option when walking with someone like this. Besides, it’s typically pleasant with Mercedes anyway. She has the type of presence which constantly allows you to feel at ease.

The conversation turns whilst the two are standing within the quiet gardens. “Felix, I wanted to make sure that attending choir practice isn’t making you too uncomfortable. I’d hate for you to join again if it is.”

“Well …” Felix pauses. Usually, he’s brutally honest, although not at the expense of making himself sound pathetic in some way. “It was a _bit_ uncomfortable. But it’s fine.”

“May I ask why?”

“As I said, I’m not the best at harmonising with others.”

“Hmm. I wonder why that is. Because when I managed to hear you, although you did sound a little off-tune from nerves, your voice was actually lovely.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Felix’s eyes fall on anywhere but her—he’d rather avoid something as silly as blushing by looking at her whilst she says this.

“Do you simply not like singing with others?”

“I guess. It’s different than singing alone.”

Mercedes hums to herself, a small smile appearing on her face. “So I was right. I’ve been thinking you sounded as though you’ve sang before. No one can sound like that after never singing in their life, even if you _were_ struggling to keep in tune with others.”

Shit. Felix leans against a pillar nearby with folded arms, gaze dropping to the ground. As though the front of his shoe kicking at dirt is suddenly fascinating to him.

“I … sing on occasion. Yes.”

“That’s so sweet!”

“It’s _not,”_ he mutters, feeling his face grow warm. “I just—I like singing when I’m alone at times. Like when I’m attending to my weapons. It helps relax me, I guess.”

“And I suppose singing with others does the opposite?”

“I guess. Why all the questions?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to seem like I am interrogating you or anything of the sort,” says Mercedes. “I was curious, that’s all. Especially as I find it to be a shame when someone with talent is insecure about it.”

“I wouldn’t call it talent.” And, as an afterthought, “And I’m not insecure.” Mercedes merely hums. “... All right. Maybe a little. But you heard me, I’m not good at singing with others. A lot of it is just because I’m not exactly sociable.”

“And the rest?”

“The rest is a long story.” Felix’s gaze drops down again. He blinks when Mercedes’ body returns to view. She’s scooping her skirt under her legs as she sits down on the grass. A hand pats next to her.

“I’m always happy to listen to long stories.”

Felix glances between her and the spot she has indicated. His mouth opens as though to give an immediate decline, although he finds himself not being able to speak those words. He … he doesn’t actually want to say no. Not really.

Maybe he does want to talk about this to someone like her, the big sister of his friends, always more than happy to lend an ear. He’d simply bottle this up like everything else, never truly grasping how this isn’t the best for him, but … Does he want to, in reality?

There’s a large smile on Mercedes’ face when Felix sits down next to her. “I’m worried about what others think when they hear me sing,” he says eventually.

“Do you worry that they will think you are not good at it?”

“A bit. But it’s mostly because … well, I guess I worry about them thinking I sound like a girl.”

“Oh, I see. That makes a lot of sense now.”

“Yeah. My voice is still deepening bit by bit, and it’s been awkward adjusting to being able to sing. Especially when I’m not comfortable doing so loudly.” Felix’s fingers fidget with the garter around his thigh, simply wanting his hands to be doing something.

“You sounded perfectly fine to me, from what I heard. But I do understand that simply some reassurance will not take away your discomfort. Dysphoria is a complex issue, after all.”

“Mm. It is.” Felix pauses, before he adds with a slight chuckle, “Also, my voice still cracks on occasion. I don’t want to sing loudly and then have my voice do _that.”_

“All right, yes, I can understand why that would be embarrassing,” says Mercedes. “Although you know, this is simply as though you’re having your _true_ puberty a little late. You’re still eighteen. I see this development of your voice no different than I would any cis male’s voice dropping. It’s all the same to me.”

“To you, maybe,” says Felix, that little quieter. “But not everyone will think that way. Hell, the amount of times I’ve thought about cutting my hair because of all the _oh, that’s quite feminine, isn’t it?”_

“Now that’s just silly. There is no harm in having feminine traits regardless of how you were born.” Felix can look at Mercedes properly now. Statements like these are always all the more special coming from her—never does she feel like she’s not being genuine. “The choice is always yours, but I would be devastated if you were to cut your hair. I’m sure others would feel the same … like Sylvain.”

“Sylvain? Why?”

“No reason,” she says in a sing-song voice. “But truly, I am proud of you for not listening to that. You’re allowed to do what you like. And I think you’re very much handsome with your hair.”

“I—thanks, Mercedes.” There’s a slight smile on Felix’s face, not quite able to meet her eyes. “I appreciate it.”

“Of course, sweetheart. And back to the singing … I understand now why you feel uncomfortable doing so, and if you don’t want to attend practice with me again, I of course understand that too. However, I think that you should continue, if it’s something you enjoy and you think this will be beneficial to you. That is all more important than what some people may or may not think.”

Felix hums. She’s right, as she so often is—it feels as though she never gives advice which isn’t right on the mark. “I’ll have to see if I’m okay with it. It’s easier on some days than others, I think. And I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever be as comfortable singing with others as I am when I’m alone.”

“That’s all okay, Felix. There’s some things we all don’t feel as confident in as others, and there is never any harm in that at all. I’m simply here to help you in any way I can, and I want to help you grow to love yourself.”

Felix finally manages to meet her gaze properly—he does so with a smile. Love himself, huh … He doubts self love is something he can manage now, but perhaps someday. “Thank you.”

“Certainly. Now … How about I also help you study your Faith magic today? Don’t be like that,” she says with a soft giggle over Felix’s groan. “You said yourself that you want to get better at magic, to assist your skills with a sword.”

“I know, I know,” he says, sighing. “I simply prefer to learn by doing rather than reading a book.”

“Soon, you’ll be able to be able to do exactly that, and it will feel wonderful when you heal someone even more than you can now,” says Mercedes. “For now, let’s get you on the right path to that.”

Though Felix rolls his eyes, he’s not as against the idea as he makes out to be—if anything, if there is one person away from his professor he’d like to do this with, it’s her. Mercedes has the kind of atmosphere around her that gives you the belief you can achieve anything you want to.

And here, with her, he feels like he can be himself. No judgement, no questioning over if the magic he learns is too much of a feminine stereotype. None of it. Just him, her, and shared smiles whilst her relaxing voice leads him along.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, as well as for all your support in general on this week's work I've created!
> 
> Feel free to follow me @nikobynight on Twitter for art as well.


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